Jealousy, Comparison, & Disappointment in ED Recovery

It's no secret that eating disorder recovery - or navigating mental health challenges in general - is filled with ups and downs. Therapists, nutritionists, and other experts in the field, as well as those who have firsthand experience with an ED, will tell you that recovery is not linear. On one hand, this can certainly be comforting. It's extremely common for individuals who struggle with disordered eating to also have perfectionist and/or self-criticizing tendencies, which often results in feelings of frustration, disappointment, pessimism, and even self-hatred when recovery doesn't go according to plan. As such, being reminded that both the ups and the downs are an essential and normal part of the recovery process can sometimes help alleviate some of those negative emotions when a relapse or slip-up happens. On the other hand, however, the fact that recovery isn't linear can also be a source of great distress - especially for those who are really, really tired of having an ED and just desperately want to be fully "recovered." I majorly struggle with appropriately balancing recognizing and celebrating the progress that I have made, while also acknowledging the changes that I still need to make. I think that, at least in my own experience, finding this balance can be extremely tricky. I personally tend to hyper-fixate on all the ways I could be doing better, which often leaves me feeling overwhelmed and angry with myself.

Recently, I've been having a very hard time with my "failure" to just "get over it." Meaning, I've been in recovery for about two years now, and I still don't have the relationship with food and my body that I want to have. I still hate my body; I still want to be the smallest version of myself possible. Even though I no longer allow these thoughts and my body image issues to dictate my behaviors, I'm highly aware that the way I think about myself and my body still needs a lot of work. I think it's easy to have a perception - largely based on social media - that those who have a disordered relationship with food and/or their body have a moment where it all "clicks." I've seen and read about so many recovered individuals who have seemingly been able to successfully make peace with their bodies, and I'm profoundly jealous. The past several weeks, I've been so, so frustrated about my inability to mentally make this shift - even though I'm physically engaging in healthier behaviors, I still mentally feel extraordinarily negative about my body and appearance. While I can take a step back and rationally recognize the ways that I have made progress, I've recently been having a difficult time sitting with the awareness that I still have a lot of work ahead of me.

One of the things that is contributing to this frustration about my inability thus far to change the beliefs that I have about my body is the fact that I have been able to transform how I think about other deeply personal and meaningful beliefs. I was raised in a very conservative, staunchly religious community and - to make an extremely long story short - have left that environment and have completely adjusted my religious/spiritual beliefs. Even though this process was (and can still occasionally be) quite difficult (and it certainly didn't happen overnight), I can confidently say that I'm wholeheartedly at peace with where I'm at now. There was a time (not that many years ago) when it would have been truly unfathomable for me to imagine my religious convictions shifting so drastically. I'm so grateful that I was able to critically examine what I was taught to be 100% true, process and unlearn what no longer aligns, and embrace new beliefs. While I undoubtedly appreciate how this example is a beautiful testament to the potential my brain has to evolve, it's simultaneously very frustrating when considered within the context of my eating disorder - I struggle with knowing that changing how I think about important things is possible, but it hasn't (yet?) happened for me when it comes to my body (even though I feel as though I've been putting in so, so, so much time, energy, and effort). Transparently, there are many days when I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle - it feels like there's a chance that how I think about my body won't ever change. Realistically, I'm aware that these negative thoughts about my body will likely become increasingly easier to manage, and that my ability to cope with these thoughts and disordered urges in healthier ways will probably continue to increase. BUT, I'll be honest that the potential of having to deal with some ED-related thoughts for the rest of my life is daunting and unappealing. For some individuals, recovery can mean no longer experiencing disordered thoughts and experiencing a fundamental shift when it comes to how they view their bodies; for others, however, this just simply isn't the case. While the thoughts might become quieter and impact daily life less frequently, they might never go away completely. It's tricky for me to know how to balance being hopeful that the former could happen, while also being realistic and preparing properly if my experience ends up being the latter.

The awareness that I might deal with some form of disordered and negative thoughts for the rest of my life has been fueling another feeling for me recently - jealousy. While I truly hate to admit this - and it's one of the things I dislike most about myself - I know that I struggle A LOT with jealousy, particularly when it comes to my ED, mental health, and body type. I feel awful admitting this out loud, because I'm fully aware that I have so much to be grateful for. I've been tremendously lucky in life, and I know that I have an immense amount of privilege - the color of my skin, my socioeconomic status, and the resources that I'm able to access financially are just a few of the major privileges that I possess. But, I'm still deeply, embarrassingly, overwhelmingly jealous of people who have certain body types and/or those who don't deal with debilitating mental health challenges. I desperately want to be "normal" - I don't want to have an ED, OCD, chronic pain, and anxiety. I envy those who have naturally thin bodies, those who don't feel any sort of compulsive need to exercise, and those who are able to enjoy food without thinking about calories and how it might impact their weight. I also am fully aware that comparison is truly the thief of joy. I know that this sense of jealousy, of wanting what others have, and wishing I was different is not productive and is only a waste of my energy. I know that I'm allowing myself to be robbed of happiness when I engage with these thoughts. And yet, I still do. I know that I only have one, precious life and that I will regret wasting it if I spend all my time comparing myself to others. I know that wishing I had a different body isn't going to change my body or move me closer to accepting myself as I am. Even though I know all of these things to be true, I still really wrestle with these thoughts on a daily basis - which is a source of great frustration. Having this awareness but ultimately not being able to "force" myself to stop being jealous or to change how I think about myself fuels my self-criticizing tendencies. I beat myself up for not simply being grateful for the body I have and all it allows me to do - I have much to be thankful for, so many things others would be ecstatic to have, and I still struggle intensely with my ED and mental health. I still wrestle with suicidal ideation; some days it's very much a struggle to keep going and to keep choosing recovery. I feel vapid and ashamed that I haven't overcome the ED, especially when I consider how much money has been poured into my mental health-related support over the years. I know how lucky I am to have a body that allows me to live, yet, I still am drawn to the behaviors that I know are unhealthy and detrimental to my body's health.

I'm sharing these things for a few reasons: first, I do think that a lot of the ED recovery-related content online - whether on social media, on blogs, or other platforms - is either glamorized or made to look significantly easier than it actually is.* While it certainly CAN be helpful to watch a video of a woman who has recovered from an ED and is sharing the myriad of ways her life has improved, it can ALSO be misleading when the harsh reality of what it took to get there is glossed over or minimized. Therefore, if any of the thoughts I've shared above resonate with you, I want you to know that you aren't alone - you aren't "wrong" or "bad" for feeling these emotions, and this isn't a sign that you aren't recovering or won't ever recover. The positive aspects of recovery are incredibly important to be aware of, and there are certainly a ton of benefits in being reminded of all the reasons why choosing recovery is the right option. I want to emphasize that learning how to re-frame negative thoughts is an essential part of recovery, and I'm absolutely not advocating that you just simply stew in negativity all the time without making any attempts to shift these thoughts. I recognize that only focusing on the challenges of recovery is not productive. Yet, I also know that, based on my own experience, seeing individuals online who have seemingly recovered and appear to no longer struggle with ED thoughts can also lead to comparison and/or frustration that I'm not there yet and that it seems so "easy" for other people - if this is how you're feeling right now, again, I want you to know that you aren't an anomaly.

I'm also writing about this because I know that there is so much beauty in vulnerability and in being able to relate to others. I think it can also probably be more dangerous in the long-run to run from these emotions and shove them deep down. Based on my own experience, it's typically helpful for me to talk about what I'm feeling and thinking, even if it's discouraging or embarrassing - I know that, if I don't confront it now, it will likely come up later. Each person's recovery journey is personal and unique, and I'm incredibly happy for those who don't wrestle with jealousy or comparison; however, if you do, I'm here right alongside you. Unfortunately, as much as I wish there was a "shortcut" or an easy way to the other side, I do think the only way out is through. As discouraging as it can be during the lows of recovery, I continue to reiterate to myself that it will be worth it in the long-run - I'm learning and growing through the mistakes. To quote Brianna Wiest, every time you get it wrong, you're also one step closer to getting it right. By allowing yourself to acknowledge negative thoughts and emotions, but still nonetheless choosing not to give in to what the ED wants you to do, you're increasing your capacity to tolerate discomfort and you're proving to yourself that you are able to make the right decisions even when it's really, really hard. On days when the jealousy, frustration, discouragement, or any other negative thoughts and emotions are really loud, I've been working on acknowledging them, allowing myself to feel them, but then ultimately reminding myself that my health is my top priority, no matter what. The most important thing is not giving these thoughts the power to dictate my actions, even though continuing to do the right things for my health is particularly hard when the negative emotions are intense; however, I remind myself why I'm committed to recovery and that fighting through this discomfort will be worth it in the long-run.

*To be clear, I'm definitely not claiming that this is the case for all ED recovery content online - there are undoubtedly creators who are authentic, transparent, and show the highs and lows of recovery in vulnerable ways, which is amazing.