about the name
The name tuli comes from the Latin verb fero, ferre, tuli, latum, which was one of the most frequently employed verbs by ancient authors. Fero can be translated in multiple ways, including as bear and carry, however, it was also used to convey an idea of motion and of moving one's self onward - a sense of "flowing." Tuli is the first-person, perfect, active, and singular form of fero, and it derives from the ancient Greek word τλάω, which possesses a sense of endurance, holding out, and being patient. All that to say, tuli most simply translates as "I endured."
I chose the word tuli as the name of this platform for several reasons. First, I have a personal connection to the ancient Greek and Latin languages - my research interests and writing in college and grad school predominantly centered around ancient Greek and Roman history. I spent countless hours pouring over ancient texts, and I have come to appreciate the way that numerous meanings can be embodied in a single Latin or Greek verb. I think that tuli - such a succinct and seemingly nondescript little word - encapsulates so many of the messages and feelings that I hope this space conveys. Living with an ED or any mental health-related challenge can certainly be a heavy load to carry. As such, ED recovery (or managing mental health obstacles in general) requires a courageous amount of endurance and patience.
For the first few years of my recovery, I struggled with wanting to just be "there" - I wanted to be recovered as quickly as possible, and I was often frustrated that I seemed so far from where I desired my relationship with food and my body to be (this is still, honestly, something that comes up for me from time to time). A major turning point happened when I finally made peace with the fact that recovery is a process - it isn't linear, there isn't a quick fix, and it does take time, persistence, and commitment to tolerating discomfort. When I began to practice grounding myself in the present moment and focusing on what I could realistically accomplish today - not worrying about tomorrow, three months from now, or some abstract recovery "finish line" that I wanted to cross - I noticed a shift. As cliche as it sounds, it has become glaringly apparent that, at least for my own healing journey, consistently taking small steps each day does lead to huge progress over time (and I personally believe this approach to recovery is more sustainable).
about the platform
I created this website with the broad goal of cultivating not only a supportive space for those trying to heal their relationships with food and their bodies, but also as an outlet for those in any stage of ED recovery to explore other aspects of their lives. Since starting my own healing journey about three years ago, I have often felt as though my ED is my entire identity. Given that it can sometimes feel like my whole headspace is overwhelmed by thoughts related to the ED, I designed the resources provided here with the hope that it will help remind others that they are not their eating disorder and that they can (and should!) celebrate all of the different components of their humanity. While many of these blog posts and resources are intended to provide encouragement, guidance, and reminders related to ED recovery and adjacent mental health challenges, I also share book and podcast recommendations, fun recipes to try, journaling prompts, and reflections on my experience with things not directly related to disordered eating (such as religion and spirituality, being part of the LGBTQ community, living with chronic pain, and more!). I have found that there is actually a lot of value in distraction; whenever it feels like the ED is dominating my thoughts, it becomes much harder to resist those disordered urges. Furthermore, every day of recovery is different - while there are some days where I feel emotionally capable of devoting a lot of my energy and attention to processing trauma and tackling the ED, there are other days where I feel completely drained and worn out.
I want this platform to be a space where, as we navigate the ups and downs of working towards holistic health, perseverance and patience are celebrated. Even though mental health-related challenges are often extremely heavy loads to bear, I hope you are able to pause, take a step back, and acknowledge that you are resilient, you have endured, and you do have the strength to continue propelling yourself onward. I hope this is a space where you can come no matter the headspace you are in. Whether you need something encouraging or distracting, take what works and leave whatever doesn’t align with or serve you!
Another catalyst for this site comes from my personal experience with many of the online resources related to ED recovery. I have found that much of the content appears to be geared towards a younger demographic (generally teen and early college-aged individuals). While these resources are certainly very valuable and necessary, the lack of materials tailored specifically to women in their late 20s, 30s, and beyond has made me subsequently feel either isolated or a bit "childish," leading me to think that "I'm too old to be struggling with an ED." While everyone is undoubtedly welcome here, I am hopeful that my platform helps adults in ED recovery feel less like outliers.
One of the most difficult parts of ED recovery for me relates to comparison - I think it is easy to feel like social media depicts only one "right" way to recover, or as though you "need" to be adhering to strict timelines or rules. Furthermore, so many of those who struggle with an ED also have perfectionist and self-critical tendencies - when compounded with comparison, this can leave you feeling inadequate and frustrated with where you are at. One of the key tenets of this platform is the recognition that there is not only one way to recover - what works well for one person might not work at all for another, given that we are all unique. The advice that I share here is never intended to foster comparison or add extra stress. I do know, however, that there is so much value in community, feeling a sense of kinship with others, and in being able to read something that resonates deeply with your own experience.
Therefore, I hope you can come here and be reminded that what you are feeling and thinking is absolutely valid and you are not alone.
A note on my personal boundaries:
There are a handful of specific topics that I don’t currently feel comfortable speaking about. This might change over time, however, there are still a few ED-related issues that are somewhat triggering for me. I always encourage everyone to prioritize taking care of their own nervous systems and to never feel guilty for setting and honoring their own boundaries. As such, a few topics that I won’t be discussing in the immediate future include:
My specific eating disorder diagnosis - Answering questions where I am required to put a specific label on my eating disorder causes me stress and reminds me of some traumatic experiences. Additionally, I think that disclosing the exact particularities of eating disorders has the potential to breed comparison, which I would like to avoid. Regardless of body size, weight, etc., your experiences and how you feel about your relationship with food is valid. Some of the stereotypes and images associated with ED labels are extremely inaccurate and can subsequently cause some individuals to feel like their situation isn’t as serious or legitimate as others’, which is absolutely false.
Conversations related to menstrual cycles, hormones, fertility, pregnancy, etc. - I am not a doctor and am certainly not qualified to speak about these specific topics from a medical or scientific standpoint; furthermore, these are such sensitive and tricky subjects for so many people with uteruses.
Anything related to weight - I do not weigh myself. That information is entirely in the hands of my doctors and dietician, and it will remain that way indefinitely. It is not helpful for me to know how much I weigh. It also is typically unproductive for me to discuss weight changes, as it is a highly triggering and stressful topic for me at this time.