A Raw Snapshot of My Search History While Living with an ED
Things I’ve googled while struggling with an eating disorder:
“calories in one strawberry”
“hair falling out eating disorder”
“kidney failure eating disorder”
“can eating disorders cause shortness of breath”
“how many people die from EDs every year”
“calories in 1/2 cup of romaine lettuce”
“do eating disorders cause eyelashes to fall out”
“medications for debilitating panic attacks”
“practical things to do when you hate your body”
“medical complications of eating disorders”
“does zoloft cause weight gain”
“does taking one day off from exercise cause weight gain”
“how to deal with body image distress”
“intersections between OCD and eating disorders”
“does coke zero really have zero calories”
“difficulty sleeping eating disorder”
“do eating disorders affect liver and gallbladder”
“irregular heartbeat heart issues eating disorder”
“what to do when you want to die”
One of the most difficult things about having an eating disorder is the psychological battle that occurs when trying to discern what is coming from the ED or "irrational" voice versus what is coming from your authentic, "rational" self. Although I "rationally" knew that the health consequences of extreme thinness, over-exercising, and restrictive behaviors with food could be dangerous (and even fatal), it was often supremely challenging to quiet that "irrational" voice telling me to keep trying to make myself as small as possible. I vividly remember confessing to my therapist, "The choice between being severely thin (and thus being at high risk of significant health complications) versus existing in a larger body (and being holistically healthy) should be an obvious one. I realize that, to someone who doesn't have any experience with disordered eating or body image issues, it seems outrageously stupid to think that literally risking your life is worth inhabiting a smaller body. But, if I'm being completely honest, I admit that, faced with the choice between extreme thinness (which might result in potentially dying) versus having to exist in a larger body that I loathe, I'm struggling to not choose thinness. Living in a body that I vehemently hate with every fiber of my being seems almost not worth it." I’m "rationally" aware of how horrifying this logic is (and I'm frankly mortified to be sharing this on the internet). We live in a culture obsessed with physical appearance and preposterous beauty standards - so much of the messaging we’re exposed to implies that smaller is always better, no matter the cost. In an effort to push back against what feels like a resurgence of the glamorization of eating disorders, I want to be as raw and honest as possible about the reality of what EDs can do to your brain. Getting to a point where I believed that death was ultimately worth being thin is emblematic of how disturbingly skewed things in my mind had become.
Googling "what to do when you want to die" as a consequence of how tremendously unhappy I was with my body and myself was a rock-bottom moment for me. I'm so lucky to now be in a place where I can force myself to take care of my body, no matter what the ED tries to convince me. Let this be a brutal reminder: the health consequences of an eating disorder - and putting yourself at risk of losing your life - is undoubtedly not worth it.
P.S. - I'm also posting this because, if you have ever experienced this dilemma or something similar, I want you to know that you are not alone. Living with an ED can be a very isolating and shameful experience, and I hope that sharing this reminds someone that they should not feel embarrassed or ashamed for struggling with these thoughts. I felt crazy telling my therapist (and later my partner) about this because I had never read or heard anyone speak about it in such explicit terms. Please know - you are not crazy, you deserve happiness and freedom, you matter, and your life has value.